Lions, Leather Jackets and Muggles-Oh My!
by Story Please
Summary: Valentine's Day is coming up in the HP AU Marauder's Universe from Corvus Draconis' "One Step Forward, Two Decades Back" story, and Hermione Black (yes, you read that right) is giving a very clueless and obsessed James Potter some valuable advice on romance. Hilarity, and drama, ensues, including Severus Snape modeling a leather jacket. Ehehehehehe...


Author's Note: If you haven't yet read the awesome fanfiction story "One Step Forward, Two Decades Back" by Corvus Draconis, please go over and read it now (IT IS WORTH IT). Don't worry, this story will still be here until you're done. If you're still hell-bent on reading this first, well, then don't say I didn't warn you- there's a lot of stuff you're going to scratch your head and wonder about. Suffice to say that this is an AU Marauders-era fanfiction story in which Hermione is sent back in time and becomes Sirius Black's twin sister due to a nasty curse cast upon her by an angry, inebriated Ron Weasley (trust me, it actually works). She is Sorted into Slytherin, has an entirely new set of memories and background about her Pure Blooded family and meets a number of familiar faces, resolving to do her best to change the future for the better.

This is a funny little excerpt that I'm gonna say happens around their fifth year at school. I hope you enjoy it!

* * *

 **Lions, Leather Jackets and Muggles...** _ **Oh My**_ **!**

The Three Broomsticks was as busy and bustling as always despite the cold, rainy January weather. The door burst open with a blast of cool, damp air and Hermione Ankah Black, her dark curls bouncing as she rushed through the doorway, shot into the last open seat just before a group of Third Years could reach it.

"YES!" she shouted, spreading her arms across the table as though enveloping it in a hug. "I WIN!"

The door opened moments later and a mismatched group clad in Gryffindor and Slytherin robes filed in with a tall, black-haired boy in a rather fetching Muggle leather jacket taking the lead.

"GAH!" he panted, his tongue lolling out of his mouth in a manner that looked surprisingly like his animagus form, "How in blazes did you beat the rest of us here _again_? Neither James nor I saw you pass us!"

Hermione grinned like a Cheshire cat. "That's for me to know and you to never find out, Canis."

"It's no fair!" pouted a somewhat shorter but no less dark haired boy with glasses and messy hair, "She _always_ beats us! I swear, Sirius, she gets faster every time!"

"Hermione beat you again, brother!" teased a somewhat shorter Slytherin boy who was bringing up the rear of the group. "You owe me two Galleons and a round of butterbeer for everyone!"

"Don't rub it in, Regulus," Sirius growled back as he slid down the bench and sat opposite his sister.

A few minutes later, a sandy-blond boy entered gingerly, leaning a little on the arm of a tall, slim Slytherin boy with pale, sallow skin and dark, somewhat greasy hair who bristled a little at the sight of Sirius and James, but strode on purposefully. They took their places on either side of Hermione, flanking her like her personal royal guard. The mental image was somewhat diminished when the blond Gryffindor leaned his head on her shoulder and whimpered like a puppy.

"Are you still feeling sick, Remus?" Hermione said, smiling sadly as she rubbed his back gently, "Both Severus and I tried to warn Tuft not to eat that feather pillow, but...well...you can see how well that turned out."

"Ugh...it's enough to make a bloke swear off poultry for good," Remus groaned in reply.

"He's still coughing up feathers and then sneezing when they inevitably tickle his nose upon expulsion," Severus said, looking unimpressed.

"Are we still waiting for someone, or are we ready to order?" Sirius grumbled, his eyes narrowed in irritation at Regulus, who was bouncing up and down in his seat and chanting "I _won_! I _won_! I _won_!"

"Well...actually…" James said bashfully, pressing his index fingers together.

Everyone stared. James was _never_ bashful. He might as well have said he wasn't hungry or that Quidditch was boring. Or grown a second head.

Actually, Hermione was fairly certain that James growing a second head was probably more likely.

"It's _her_ , isn't it?" Sirius said, looking bored. "Little Miss Stuck-Up Shampoo Goddess."

"Are you referring to whom I think you are referring to?" Severus asked, crossing his arms.

"Oh, I forgot, she's your _childhood friend_ ," Sirius replied, rolling his eyes.

"She was my first friend. Even though we've diverged in our paths these past couple of years, I still don't appreciate you speaking badly of her," Severus said, standing up and leaning forward over the table, "Unless, of course, she were here to defend herself. Then I'd simply pay my respects and let her have at you."

James looked a bit bewildered, glancing back and forth between the two boys, who had leaned forward over the table until their foreheads were nearly touching as they argued.

Sirius snorted. "Hah! She doesn't scare me!"

" _Who_ doesn't scare you?" a voice said smugly from behind him and Sirius jumped as though he'd been zapped.

"L-Lily! I didn't see you there!" he said with a sheepish grin, ruffling his hair with one hand and looking incredibly guilty.

" _LILY_!" James exclaimed eagerly, turning and launching himself off of the bench.

The copper-haired Gryffindor Prefect stepped deftly to the side and smirked as James crashed into a pile of stools and in the aftermath lay groaning underneath them with his arms and legs akimbo.

"Not today, Potter," she taunted, her eyebrow arched at the messy haired Gryffindor Keeper.

"Remus, please scoot over so Lily can sit with us," Hermione prodded gently. Remus groaned as though the motion pained him, but he slid over to make room. Hermione scooted as well, feeling the side of her thigh and torso press against Severus and she reveled in the warmth and comfort it brought her, even more so than Remus, who was still Pack even though they were no longer in their wolf forms.

"Oh, don't trouble yourselves! I can't stay long, but I just _have_ to share the good news with you!" Lily tittered excitedly, sitting on the edge of the bench and turning with a conspiratory look sparkling in her bright green eyes, "I've been offered a summer study program in the fine art of making perfume and other magical beauty products in the south of France! We will be learning how to infuse them with healing and rejuvenating properties. I'm one of only five students in all of England to be chosen for the honor! I know it's still a couple months away, but...I just couldn't keep it a secret any longer! I have to tell the other girls in my club, though I know the reception will be mixed because, well, they applied too but didn't make the cut."

"Congratulations, Lily!" Hermione replied, smiling warmly. Even though she and Lily had their differences, she could always appreciate how hard the muggleborn witch worked to achieve her goals. It reminded her a bit of herself in another life.

"That's wonderful, Lily," Severus said, bending to the side so that he could see her. The way his eyes always squinted upward partway like a happy cat every time he looked at his childhood friend filled Hermione with an unsettling stab of jealousy, but she was careful not to let it show. She was, after all, betrothed to another. And the customs that Hermione Black followed were not only as ancient and old as time itself but they ran in her blood so deeply that there was no chance of betraying them, regardless of what her heart told her.

"What is wrong, Hermione?" Remus whined softly into her ear as the others at the table offered Lily their congratulations. "I can smell your sadness."

"Oh, it's nothing," Hermione replied, forcing herself to smile. "I just...I was just remembering how we were all talking about meeting up at the beach this summer. As a group. But if Lily goes to France instead...I'm being selfish. It's a great opportunity."

"I'm so sorry, Hermione!" Lily interrupted, obviously overhearing them, "But I will be returning three weeks before school starts. If you want, you can send me an owl and maybe we can arrange something then. If worse comes to worst, we can just arrange to spend a day as a group in Diagon Alley together and get our supplies. It'll be fun, I'm certain of that, because you guys are my friends and it doesn't matter _where_ we are as long as we're together!"

Hermione couldn't think of what to say to that and smiled cooly at the exuberant redhead instead. She knew that Lily meant well, but there were a number of things that she did to cause friction, however minor, that grated on Hermione's nerves. The others seemed to pick up on her state of mind and the temperature seemed to drop around the table all at once.

"Well, anyway….I'll be going, then!" Lily continued, smiling a little awkwardly at the cool stares she was getting from everyone but James, who was attempting to rhyme _bludger_ with _lover_ in an impromptu poem directed at her. When her gaze reached the messy haired Gryffindor, she rolled her eyes theatrically before turning toward the door with a wave.

"So…" Sirius said, glancing up skeptically as the red-haired Gryffindor girl flounced past the window. "That was…. _interesting…_ "

"She _is_ , isn't she?" James chimed in, looking dreamily out the window long after she'd vanished.

"I love you, mate, but you're mental," Sirius replied with a barking laugh.

"Now, dear twin brother, what was that about buying us a round of butterbeer if you lost?" Hermione said sweetly, leaning forward on her elbows.

"I'm going, I'm going!" Sirius stuffed his hands in his pockets.

"Get some snacks before you come back over, Red Rover!" Severus called out, smirking when Sirius let out a series of expletives in reply.

"Will you two _ever_ get along?" Hermione said, exhaling loudly with exasperation.

"It depends," Severus replied thoughtfully, "On whether your twin can ever manage to subvert his innate, git-like nature."

Hermione snorted despite herself.

"You guys! I could sure use some help here!" Sirius called out loudly from the front. Due to the lunch rush, all orders were pick-up only, and Sirius was struggling to hold half the order he'd been forced to make for losing the race.

Hermione stood to help, but thought better of it as she realized that Remus had fallen quite deeply asleep with his head still pressed heavily against her shoulder. She patted his head fondly and let him snooze on, sleeping off his pillow-induced nausea in peace.

"Regulus, you and Severus go help Canis," Hermione said, giving them both her most charming expression. "As you can see, my shoulder is otherwise engaged."

"Do I really have to?" Severus replied, somewhat grumpily.

"Just think, it will annoy the crap out of my twin," Hermione replied with a sly grin.

"On second thought, I suppose being helpful _is_ a Slytherin trait as long as I also get something out of it," Severus said thoughtfully, grinning back as he received a playful swat from Hermione.

"Oh boy! Annoying my brother is something I _can_ do!" Regulus gushed, as he trotted along next to the wizard he saw as much an older brother as Sirius, "Be sure to mention kumquats as much as possible! Sirius hates that word! Drives him up the wall!"

"You don't say…" Severus said, his voice growing indistinct as they made their way to the other side of the pub.

Hermione placed a hand on her snoozing friend's leg and he nuzzled into her slightly with a happy exhalation that almost sounded like a woof.

"Hermione!" James exclaimed out of nowhere, startling her, "You're a girl, right?"

"Are you really that unobservant, Potter, or do you _literally_ have rocks for brains as has been suggested to me a number of times by various sources?" she replied somewhat loftily. The part of her that was still Hermione Granger bristled at the thought of being overlooked and treated like some genderless entity just as much as Hermione Black.

James stuck out his lip and his eyes went wide with regret at his thoughtless words. Hermione marveled at how much he looked just like 15 year old Harry Potter at that moment, minus the green eyes of course, and felt a stab of sympathy for the obviously distraught Gryffindor.

"I'm sorry," he said quietly, wringing his hands together, "I didn't mean to be offensive...it's just….LILY! I'm so ridiculously in love it's not even funny."

"Depends on where you're sitting, I suppose," Hermione snickered softly, "Some of us find it to be highly amusing indeed."

"But that's just the thing!" James wailed, scrubbing at his hair with both hands theatrically, "I don't want to be a joke! I want her to _notice_ me, to _like_ me back! And nothing I do works!"

"To be fair, she did notice you when you wrote 'James Potter loves Lily Evans' in egg salad sandwiches," Hermione replied thoughtfully, "But you also decided to do this on a particularly hot day and egg salad sandwiches don't tend to last long under those conditions."

"And charming paper airplanes with hidden messages inside of them to fly up to the girl's dorms backfired too!" James continued looking for all the world as though he was about to start banging his head on the table.

"That _was_ you, then! Well, to be fair, you charmed them to go to her, and she was in the middle of a shower at the time," Hermione mused, remembering Lily's righteous fury at breakfast a few weeks before, "Imagine being in the middle of soaping up only to be stabbed in the back by the sharp noses of tiny parchment planes! Lily's gotten to the point that she even takes her wand into the shower lest she encounter another random kamikaze attack, which has not done wonders for its performance in Charms. Just be glad that the ink ran so badly that she couldn't figure out who they were from."

James sighed pitifully and rested his forehead against the wooden table with a loud thud.

"I'm _doomed_ ," he said resignedly.

"Well," Hermione said, trying not to give him any false hope but attempting to be supportive anyway, "I suppose that if you came up with something that Lily might actually like for Valentine's Day, she might at the very least open herself up to the idea of being your friend."

James slid his head to the side and sighed loudly before suddenly jerking up, his eyes widening with excitement.

"THAT'S RIGHT!" he shouted, and Hermione nearly jumped out of her seat at his sudden outburst, "Valentine's Day! Oh, this is perfect, perfect, Hermione! I can't believe I forgot all about it!"

"Do you have any ideas that _don't_ involve dairy products or projectiles of doom?" Hermione asked demurely, hiding her smirk behind one hand.

"Well...as a matter of a fact, yes!" James sniffed, "You wanna hear what it is?"

"Obviously," Hermione replied, leaning forward slightly with interest.

"I'm thinking a big pink stuffed lion that roars 'I LOVE YOU LILY' in my voice when she hugs it," James said, his eyes wide and far away as he imagined said lion.

"I'm thinking that if you don't want to get beaten over the head with it that you try and go for a slightly less...absurd approach," Hermione replied, dissolving into giggles at the mental image of Lily's most likely reaction to such a ridiculous present.

"Well...what would you suggest?" James asked.

Hermione was taken aback. She hadn't expected self-centered, fat-headed James Potter to ask _her_ opinion.

"Are you ok, Hermione?" Regulus said as he placed a tray on the table with Severus and Sirius close behind, both of them looking decidedly murderous at one another.

"WHY ARE GIRLS SO CONFUSING? WHAT DO THEY EVEN LIKE?" James exclaimed with another exaggerated sigh as he flopped back on the table, nearly toppling over the snacks that Regulus had placed nearby moments before.

"Well, Lily is muggleborn," Severus said thoughtfully as he sat down next to Hermione and placed his tray gently on the table, "So maybe you should get something a Muggle girl would like for her. I assume this is for the upcoming Valentine's Day holiday."

Everyone stared at Severus, who had grabbed a mug of butterbeer from the tray and was now sipping it nonchalantly, as though he'd grown two extra heads.

"What?" he said softly, "Lily's a good friend and while Potter and I have our differences, I know that Lily is capable enough to make her own decisions. Is it too Slytherin of me to influence her would-be suitors to buy her things that she might actually like even if they still have a snowball's chance in hell at actually getting anywhere with her?"

"Wait, what?" Hermione asked, somewhat bewildered as James jumped up, putting one foot up on the bench and clenched his fist shouting, "SUITORS?! THERE ARE _OTHER_ SUITORS?! TELL ME, SEVERUS, GIVE ME NAMES AND I WILL MAKE THEM SORRY FOR EVEN LOOKING IN HER GENERAL DIRECTION!"

Sirius stuck a finger in his ear and pulled it out with a wince. "Well, mate, looks like you really _were_ born to be a bloody Gryffindor. You certainly roar loudly enough."

Regulus simply snickered amusedly from the other side of James and stuffed a pretzel in his mouth. Remus snored on, which was somewhat amazing, considering that students from other tables were beginning to stare.

"You know that someone's gone too far when even other Gryffindors start complaining about bloody Gryffindors," Severus remarked sardonically.

James suddenly seemed to realize the spectacle he'd made of himself and grinned sheepishly, sitting back on the bench and hurriedly sticking his face in a mug of butterbeer.

"Well, if it's Muggle things you're interested in," Sirius replied, spreading his arms and flexing them slowly, "Look no further than my amazing biker jacket. It's real leather, too!"

"Sirius, girls don't like smelly biker jackets," James replied with an unimpressed pout.

"That's not what I've noticed," Sirius said, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively, "I've found that it draws quite a lot of attention from entire gaggles of girls."

"I don't want a _gaggle_!" James exclaimed, "I want _Lily_!"

"James Potter, if you really want some advice that isn't just thinly veiled snark or criticism," Hermione said, drawing herself up as straight as she could with Remus lolling against her, still dead to the world, "Then I shall be happy to give it as long as you promise to stop acting like a bloody fool."

James grinned, his eyes huge with hope behind his glasses and Hermione felt a pang of loss when she realized that she would likely never see Harry smile like that because even if she survived the war to come, she would not be the same age when it was his time to go to Hogwarts...and that was if his parents ever got together to have him in the first place. At the rate he was going, James Potter was going to make Lily swear off men altogether.

"First of all," Hermione said exasperatedly, "You cannot _make_ someone love you. You can only show them how you feel about them. Sometimes, the feeling is reciprocated, and sometimes it is not. But if you really want Lily to like you, stop it with all of the big displays of love and ridiculous gestures to get her attention. Stop treating her like you're a grade school boy pulling pigtails. Find out what she _likes_ and see if you can find any points of commonality. Find out who she _is_ as a person and if you even like who that is. It's more than just her hair or the way she walks or her voice. You have to truly know that you love and value the person Lily Evans actually IS inside before you'll ever get anywhere with her. So far, you've treated her like some exotic item to add to a collection, or an elusive Snitch that you have to grab to win the game. But people aren't prizes. And girls are people. So if you really want Lily to love you, then you need to stop trying to buy or win it and cultivate it instead."

Hermione took a deep breath after her tirade finally ended and she took a sip of butterbeer, acutely aware that all of the boys at the table were staring at her open-mouthed. James looked as though his was about to drop down to the floor.

"Criminey, Hermione, when did you get all grown up and mature?" Sirius asked with his eyebrows raised so high that she was surprised that they didn't float off into his hairline.

"Just because you're still excited about pulling pranks and making fart jokes doesn't mean that everyone else is the same way," Hermione said with a sniff.

This, of course, reminded Sirius of a particularly obnoxious joke about flatulence, which he began to tell to James and Regulus, who seemed immensely interested in the punch line.

Her heart twinged slightly as she realised that Severus had, likely unconsciously, placed a hand on her leg under the table in a show of support for her tirade. But as she turned to look at him, he chanced to glance back at the same time, and she noticed the slight pink color that had risen to his normally pale cheeks. Realizing where his hand was, he pulled it away abruptly, looking away and muttering his apologies under his breath. Before she realized what she was doing, Hermione's hand had darted out and grabbed ahold of his, squeezing it firmly as she gave him a sidelong glance and felt her own cheeks grow warm.

"Oi! Snape! What do you think you're doing to my sister?" Sirius roared, jolting her out of her reverie. He'd stood up and was leaning over the table, looking down at Severus suspiciously.

"Nothing!" Severus said, pulling his hand away again and turning away.

"I am perfectly capable of defending myself if I need to do so!" Hermione said fiercely, "So SIT DOWN, brother!"

"You don't see it, do you, sis?" Sirius replied, "Smartest witch in our class, and you can't see that he _likes_ you. It's written all over his nose. _Don't_ you, Snape?"

"No! I-" Severus looked bewildered, "It's...it's not like that! Honest!"

Sirius grinned rudely as he noticed Hermione's cheeks.

"And as for you, sister, for all your talk about being true to yourself and following your heart, you sure are in denial!" he continued.

"I...I don't know what you are talking about!" Hermione stammered, feeling dark eyes upon her as Severus turned to look at her. She couldn't bear to meet his gaze, especially since she knew that the poorly disguised hope on his face would weaken her resolve. She was officially courting Lucius Malfoy. She could not take on another suitor. It was not proper. It was not done. She could not bring shame upon her family name. But her heart beat more quickly as she felt Severus shift beside her, the warmth of his leg disappearing as he moved over to create space between them.

She hated it. She didn't want to give up that warmth, that sense of security...the….

"Come on, then," Sirius was saying to Severus, his voice full of challenge, "Try it, I dare you."

"It's a stupid jacket," Severus replied, rolling his eyes, "I am not going to become magically more attractive if I put it on."

"Let Hermione be the judge of that," Sirius replied, grinning roguishly.

Hermione gave her twin a murderous look.

"Don't you draw me into your ridiculous shenanigans."

"Come on! It's just two minutes!" Sirius wheedled, as James and Regulus chanted, "Do it do it do it do it!"

" _Fine_!" Severus exclaimed finally, throwing his hands up with exasperation, "But if you try anything funny, I'll have no qualms whatsoever hexing the lot of you!"

"Boys," Hermione sighed, rolling her eyes. She considered trying to leave before things escalated any further, but Remus was a dead weight on her left shoulder and she couldn't bring herself to wake him up.

Severus pulled off his outer robes, exposing the uniform blazer and slacks that lay beneath. He took off the blazer until he stood only in the button up shirt and tie before gesturing to Sirius.

"Just a minute," Sirius said, pulling his jacket off and handing it over.

Hermione's curiosity was piqued. Would it _really_ do anything at all, or was Sirius just mouthing off as usual?

Severus held the leather jacket out as though it were a particularly distasteful thing before taking a deep, long suffering breath and sliding it on a sleeve at a time before pulling it flush against his chest. As a last step, he pulled his hair so that it hung on the outside of the dark collar. He turned to the side so that he was facing Hermione. A simple leather jacket had caused a not-so-simple reaction deep within her belly that swelled to a roar.

"Um...so…" He looked painfully self conscious as he glanced at the floor but somehow that just added to the allure he was projecting, "What do you think?"

Hermione stared, speechless. Her heart felt as though it was about to beat out of her chest.

 _Oh my god, Hermione, this is not good. This is not good at all._

"Hey, sis, it was supposed to be a joke!" Sirius whined as Hermione stared and stared, almost not caring that she was most certainly being rude.

"See? I told you. She was so speechless at how stupid I look with your damnable Muggle attire that she couldn't even come up with one word," Severus scoffed, pulling the jacket off and tossing it back to Sirius, "Now if you're all done humiliating me, I need the loo."

After that tense moment, no one said anything for awhile as everyone sipped butterbeer and tried to look everywhere but at one another. But then James belched loudly out of nowhere, startling Regulus, who began to laugh, which caused him to belch, which led to a contest between James, Sirius and Regulus to burp the alphabet.

Hermione rolled her eyes and sank down on the table, trying not to look at the empty space where Severus had been. She began to think about Valentine's Day and wondered if he'd appreciate a gift from her or if he'd give her that sad smile that she'd seen more and more often ever since her courtship to Lucius had been formalized and tell her that she shouldn't bother with "someone like me."

The problem was that she _wanted_ to bother with someone like him. In fact, she wanted to bother him exclusively, and a part of her had wanted to do so from the moment they'd laid eyes on one another. But, if it was one thing that Hermione had learned in spades, it was that there were many times in life where, no matter how hard you tried, getting what you wanted was utterly impossible.

Three weeks later, on Valentines Day, James Potter took Hermione's advice and gave Lily a charmed bird made of paper and real feathers that sang soft renditions of her favorite tunes when given the "magic word" along with a heartfelt note. A month later, they'd officially announced that they were "an item." And while Hermione wasn't expecting anything from anyone other than her betrothed on Valentine's Day, she did receive a tiny sliver ouroboros charm shaped in the form of a heart from a "secret admirer," though it was plain as day from the familiar handwriting exactly _whom_ it was from, though he never said a word about it. It wasn't proper, after all. Sliding the tiny silver snake onto a chain, she hid it under her robes and wore it against her heart, wondering if she was a fool for doing so. But perhaps it was better to be a fool, she thought, looking gloomily at James and his goofy grin as he talked animatedly to a smiling, blushing Lily at breakfast the next morning.

Fools, after all, had a way of making the impossible happen.


End file.
